Absent

I love my life. I can honestly say that I do. I have a beautiful, loving, caring, nurturing girlfriend that provides everything that I need. I have my two babies whom I love to the core of my being. I have my extended family. My schooling. I have a gorgeous apartment. I can't complain and shouldn't complain. Right? What could possibly be missing from my life? Well............................I can think of something. Actually, it would be someone. My dad. My biological father. I have had a step-dad my entire life until recently [he passed away earlier this year]. I believe that he and my mom were together since I was about 4. Now, I don't know the exact details of why my mom and biological father split, but I do know that for whatever reason, he has not been in my life after they seperated.

I can remember two specific times that I have interacted with my birth father. Once when I was in the sixth grade he came to my grandparents house to see me. Being that I was so young and immature it didn't even occur to me to sit down with him and enjoy his visit. I remember being angry at him. I really wish I hadn't been because that was the last time I seen him. The other time we had contact was when Alexis was born. We spoke over the phone and at the end of our conversation he told me that he loved me. I was immediately brought to tears. That's the one and only time I ever recall him saying that to me.

There have been very few times in my life where I yearned for my dad. I wondered what it would be like to have him in my every day hustle and bustle. Would we get along? What's his favorite kind of food? Is he silly? Would he have been strict with me? After I had my kids and I seen the interaction that they have with their dad and how much he loves them and vice versa, I knew that him being a part of their lives, regardless of the fact that we later split up, would be one of the important things to make sure that they grew up with. I don't ever want this to feel this void that I feel. Statistics have shown over and over again the great impact that an absent father has on a child and I can see why a person would be affected by it, consciously or subconsciously.

About a week ago I received a letter from my aunt on my dads side of the family, telling me that my dad had had a stroke, that he couldn't write because his right hand was left paralized and if I wanted to contact him, I could. At the end of the short letter she left me his address. Well, my writing back to him has been on my mind since recieving the letter. Should I write to me? What would I even say? I suppose that I could fill him in on my life and all the great things that I am blessed with but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he doesn't deserve to know. I get angry and resentful when I think about how he feels that he can just come and go at his convience. I'm bitter, yes, but I have the right to be.

Will I write to this man? The man responsible for my being? Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

- S.E.

24 Hours A Day

Ya know, it doesn't take a genious to figure out that once you have kids, your life will never be the same. "Mom" is a 24 hour a day job. It never ends and everything is different. Your body, your priorities, your sleeping habits, your morning routines. Everything will change. Your kids affect every part of your life and there are some parts of your life that you just want to go back to your "pre-baby" days. A perfect example? Privacy in the bathroom. Whether I'm in the bathroom to brush my teeth, take a shower or use the toilet, I have no privacy. Today, for instance, I stepped into the bathroom and not more than 2 minutes later I hear, "Mom?" and a knock-knock-knock on the door. It was Alexis. She felt the need to knock on my door and interupt what is supposed to be the "dont-bother-me-cause-I'm-busy-doing-whatever-it-is-I'm-doing-in-here" zone. I gave her the polite, "I'm busy" response and she leaves me alone. Now, here comes Angel. "Mom?" he says. "Angel, I'm in the bathroom, which means I'm busy. Leave me alone, please." He replies, "Ok" and does as he's told. Now when Alexis comes in for the 2nd time, it's as though they're plotting against me. "Mom! Angel..........." I can't hold it in. I shout, "Alexis, get out of my room!" I hear a sigh from her and she is gone. When I got out of the bathroom I addressed the issues that they both had that were so important that they had to bother me while I handeled my business. Were they bleeding? No. Were they short of breath? No. Was there a stranger at the front door threatening to come and invade our apartment? Nope!

It didn't occur to me that simple parts of my life would be effected by my kids. When they younger, the bathroom was my escape route when I needed a minute to breathe. Not anymore. They can now follow me. Who would have thought?

- S.E.

No Bueno

Sad. Alone. Needing a hug right about now. Anxious. Scared. Information at my fingertips that makes me cringe. Why? How? Don't know what to think. It's ok. I'll be ok. Everything will be ok. Right?

- S.E.

HELP!

This baby itch is getting ridiculous. Out of control. And, to be honest, a little surprising. Enough said!

- S.E.

There Are A Few........

........things on my mind today. First, the Caylee case. UGH! Yes, yes, yes it's sad and tragic that a helpless little girl died. I agree 100 percent. I also agree that there needs to be justice and whoever is guilty of taking the life of that little one should get punished to the fullest extent of the law. It seems that everyone is convinced that her mother took her life. Whether that is true or not, we do not know. Sure, there is circumstantial evidence like her getting a tattoo and partying with her friends all while her daughter is missing. But, again, those facts are circumstantial and definitely not enough to commit someone of murdering their own child. I will admit that, yes, the justice system is not perfect. Of course there are going to be mistakes. There will be innocent people who will be found guilty and there will be guilty people found innocent. Nowadays with hard evidence such as DNA and an entire crew in every police station dedicated to forensics, you need those factors for it to be an open and shut case. Sorry, people. That's just how it works.

Secondly, my big, loud, beautiful FAMILY. Seriously, they're an essential part of my life that I can't imagine being without. It goes without saying that I have been mad or upset with a family member but it never lasts long. I mean, it's my family. How could I stay mad? I only have one family and holding a grudge just doesn't make sense to me. I love being able to invite them over. Spend time with them. Laugh with them. At times, laugh at them. And always love them.

Thirdly, this summer schedule, sleeping in till 10, being at the pool all day, no homework, no driving around town, is something I can get used to. Now, of course, each year the summer comes to end. The warm summer days are turned into crisp ones and the everyday hustle and bustle of life returns. That is why, at this very moment, I sit here poolside and just let my thoughts run on. About everything. About nothing at all.

- S.E.

Ramble

I don't know what I feel today. I'm feeling a little lonely to be honest. The kids are outside in the pool and I'm sitting here in front of this screen with absolutely nothing to do. The TV is on, sure, but I'm not paying attention to it. I miss Joy. Sometimes when she's gone during the day and I'm here at home, I get so anxious. I think about her. I think about the smile she has on when she walks through the door. It's always so cute and it never gets old. I welcome it. I definitely look forward to it. Time? 2:20 pm. About 2 hours until she is home. *sigh*

- S.E.

Does it ever end?

Housework. It's endless. Once I start, I don't stop. It starts in the kitchen. I stand at the kitchen sink and as I'm standing there washing dishes, I notice that the island can use a cleaning. So, once I'm done with the dishes I open up the cabinet below the sink and take out the cleaning supplies. I'm going to clean the island so I might as well clean the other counters, too. Right? Right! There I go. I start to clean the island, making sure to get every inch of it. I move onto the counters and stop when I get to the stove. Uh oh! Theres a brown, sticky stain that needs to come off, like NOW! After a couple of napkins and spritz of bleach it comes off. While I'm in the kitchen, with no shoes or socks on, I notice that there's something sticking to the bottom of my foot. What's this? Crumbs! The broom! Get me the broom! Aaah, that's much better. The carpets in the kitchen need a good cleaning so in the washer they go. I make the foolish assumption that I'm done when I sit on the couch but then something catches my eye. There! On the TV stand! Dust! Back to the kitchen sink I go to get the wipes in order to clean the TV stand. Except I don't only clean the TV stand. I clean the entire living room and the furniture in my bedroom, too. I pick up a few items of dirty clothes off my bed and take them to the closet. Once in the closet, the vacuum stands there calling my name. I am kind of ashamed to admit that I LOVE TO VACUUM. I'm not sure what it is about vacuuming that I enjoy so much but I genuinely like it. You guessed it. I pull the vacuum out of the closet and plug that baby into the outlet. I run the vacuum over the entire apartment. *sigh* Much better. Now, as I sit here typing away I hear the bathroom calling me. I am needed and here I go! I'm on my way toilet! A good scrubbing you need? A damn good scrubbing you shall receive!

-S.E.