I love my life. I can honestly say that I do. I have a beautiful, loving, caring, nurturing girlfriend that provides everything that I need. I have my two babies whom I love to the core of my being. I have my extended family. My schooling. I have a gorgeous apartment. I can't complain and shouldn't complain. Right? What could possibly be missing from my life? Well............................I can think of something. Actually, it would be someone. My dad. My biological father. I have had a step-dad my entire life until recently [he passed away earlier this year]. I believe that he and my mom were together since I was about 4. Now, I don't know the exact details of why my mom and biological father split, but I do know that for whatever reason, he has not been in my life after they seperated.
I can remember two specific times that I have interacted with my birth father. Once when I was in the sixth grade he came to my grandparents house to see me. Being that I was so young and immature it didn't even occur to me to sit down with him and enjoy his visit. I remember being angry at him. I really wish I hadn't been because that was the last time I seen him. The other time we had contact was when Alexis was born. We spoke over the phone and at the end of our conversation he told me that he loved me. I was immediately brought to tears. That's the one and only time I ever recall him saying that to me.
There have been very few times in my life where I yearned for my dad. I wondered what it would be like to have him in my every day hustle and bustle. Would we get along? What's his favorite kind of food? Is he silly? Would he have been strict with me? After I had my kids and I seen the interaction that they have with their dad and how much he loves them and vice versa, I knew that him being a part of their lives, regardless of the fact that we later split up, would be one of the important things to make sure that they grew up with. I don't ever want this to feel this void that I feel. Statistics have shown over and over again the great impact that an absent father has on a child and I can see why a person would be affected by it, consciously or subconsciously.
About a week ago I received a letter from my aunt on my dads side of the family, telling me that my dad had had a stroke, that he couldn't write because his right hand was left paralized and if I wanted to contact him, I could. At the end of the short letter she left me his address. Well, my writing back to him has been on my mind since recieving the letter. Should I write to me? What would I even say? I suppose that I could fill him in on my life and all the great things that I am blessed with but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he doesn't deserve to know. I get angry and resentful when I think about how he feels that he can just come and go at his convience. I'm bitter, yes, but I have the right to be.
Will I write to this man? The man responsible for my being? Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
- S.E.
