Absent

I love my life. I can honestly say that I do. I have a beautiful, loving, caring, nurturing girlfriend that provides everything that I need. I have my two babies whom I love to the core of my being. I have my extended family. My schooling. I have a gorgeous apartment. I can't complain and shouldn't complain. Right? What could possibly be missing from my life? Well............................I can think of something. Actually, it would be someone. My dad. My biological father. I have had a step-dad my entire life until recently [he passed away earlier this year]. I believe that he and my mom were together since I was about 4. Now, I don't know the exact details of why my mom and biological father split, but I do know that for whatever reason, he has not been in my life after they seperated.

I can remember two specific times that I have interacted with my birth father. Once when I was in the sixth grade he came to my grandparents house to see me. Being that I was so young and immature it didn't even occur to me to sit down with him and enjoy his visit. I remember being angry at him. I really wish I hadn't been because that was the last time I seen him. The other time we had contact was when Alexis was born. We spoke over the phone and at the end of our conversation he told me that he loved me. I was immediately brought to tears. That's the one and only time I ever recall him saying that to me.

There have been very few times in my life where I yearned for my dad. I wondered what it would be like to have him in my every day hustle and bustle. Would we get along? What's his favorite kind of food? Is he silly? Would he have been strict with me? After I had my kids and I seen the interaction that they have with their dad and how much he loves them and vice versa, I knew that him being a part of their lives, regardless of the fact that we later split up, would be one of the important things to make sure that they grew up with. I don't ever want this to feel this void that I feel. Statistics have shown over and over again the great impact that an absent father has on a child and I can see why a person would be affected by it, consciously or subconsciously.

About a week ago I received a letter from my aunt on my dads side of the family, telling me that my dad had had a stroke, that he couldn't write because his right hand was left paralized and if I wanted to contact him, I could. At the end of the short letter she left me his address. Well, my writing back to him has been on my mind since recieving the letter. Should I write to me? What would I even say? I suppose that I could fill him in on my life and all the great things that I am blessed with but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he doesn't deserve to know. I get angry and resentful when I think about how he feels that he can just come and go at his convience. I'm bitter, yes, but I have the right to be.

Will I write to this man? The man responsible for my being? Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

- S.E.

24 Hours A Day

Ya know, it doesn't take a genious to figure out that once you have kids, your life will never be the same. "Mom" is a 24 hour a day job. It never ends and everything is different. Your body, your priorities, your sleeping habits, your morning routines. Everything will change. Your kids affect every part of your life and there are some parts of your life that you just want to go back to your "pre-baby" days. A perfect example? Privacy in the bathroom. Whether I'm in the bathroom to brush my teeth, take a shower or use the toilet, I have no privacy. Today, for instance, I stepped into the bathroom and not more than 2 minutes later I hear, "Mom?" and a knock-knock-knock on the door. It was Alexis. She felt the need to knock on my door and interupt what is supposed to be the "dont-bother-me-cause-I'm-busy-doing-whatever-it-is-I'm-doing-in-here" zone. I gave her the polite, "I'm busy" response and she leaves me alone. Now, here comes Angel. "Mom?" he says. "Angel, I'm in the bathroom, which means I'm busy. Leave me alone, please." He replies, "Ok" and does as he's told. Now when Alexis comes in for the 2nd time, it's as though they're plotting against me. "Mom! Angel..........." I can't hold it in. I shout, "Alexis, get out of my room!" I hear a sigh from her and she is gone. When I got out of the bathroom I addressed the issues that they both had that were so important that they had to bother me while I handeled my business. Were they bleeding? No. Were they short of breath? No. Was there a stranger at the front door threatening to come and invade our apartment? Nope!

It didn't occur to me that simple parts of my life would be effected by my kids. When they younger, the bathroom was my escape route when I needed a minute to breathe. Not anymore. They can now follow me. Who would have thought?

- S.E.

No Bueno

Sad. Alone. Needing a hug right about now. Anxious. Scared. Information at my fingertips that makes me cringe. Why? How? Don't know what to think. It's ok. I'll be ok. Everything will be ok. Right?

- S.E.

HELP!

This baby itch is getting ridiculous. Out of control. And, to be honest, a little surprising. Enough said!

- S.E.

There Are A Few........

........things on my mind today. First, the Caylee case. UGH! Yes, yes, yes it's sad and tragic that a helpless little girl died. I agree 100 percent. I also agree that there needs to be justice and whoever is guilty of taking the life of that little one should get punished to the fullest extent of the law. It seems that everyone is convinced that her mother took her life. Whether that is true or not, we do not know. Sure, there is circumstantial evidence like her getting a tattoo and partying with her friends all while her daughter is missing. But, again, those facts are circumstantial and definitely not enough to commit someone of murdering their own child. I will admit that, yes, the justice system is not perfect. Of course there are going to be mistakes. There will be innocent people who will be found guilty and there will be guilty people found innocent. Nowadays with hard evidence such as DNA and an entire crew in every police station dedicated to forensics, you need those factors for it to be an open and shut case. Sorry, people. That's just how it works.

Secondly, my big, loud, beautiful FAMILY. Seriously, they're an essential part of my life that I can't imagine being without. It goes without saying that I have been mad or upset with a family member but it never lasts long. I mean, it's my family. How could I stay mad? I only have one family and holding a grudge just doesn't make sense to me. I love being able to invite them over. Spend time with them. Laugh with them. At times, laugh at them. And always love them.

Thirdly, this summer schedule, sleeping in till 10, being at the pool all day, no homework, no driving around town, is something I can get used to. Now, of course, each year the summer comes to end. The warm summer days are turned into crisp ones and the everyday hustle and bustle of life returns. That is why, at this very moment, I sit here poolside and just let my thoughts run on. About everything. About nothing at all.

- S.E.

Ramble

I don't know what I feel today. I'm feeling a little lonely to be honest. The kids are outside in the pool and I'm sitting here in front of this screen with absolutely nothing to do. The TV is on, sure, but I'm not paying attention to it. I miss Joy. Sometimes when she's gone during the day and I'm here at home, I get so anxious. I think about her. I think about the smile she has on when she walks through the door. It's always so cute and it never gets old. I welcome it. I definitely look forward to it. Time? 2:20 pm. About 2 hours until she is home. *sigh*

- S.E.

Does it ever end?

Housework. It's endless. Once I start, I don't stop. It starts in the kitchen. I stand at the kitchen sink and as I'm standing there washing dishes, I notice that the island can use a cleaning. So, once I'm done with the dishes I open up the cabinet below the sink and take out the cleaning supplies. I'm going to clean the island so I might as well clean the other counters, too. Right? Right! There I go. I start to clean the island, making sure to get every inch of it. I move onto the counters and stop when I get to the stove. Uh oh! Theres a brown, sticky stain that needs to come off, like NOW! After a couple of napkins and spritz of bleach it comes off. While I'm in the kitchen, with no shoes or socks on, I notice that there's something sticking to the bottom of my foot. What's this? Crumbs! The broom! Get me the broom! Aaah, that's much better. The carpets in the kitchen need a good cleaning so in the washer they go. I make the foolish assumption that I'm done when I sit on the couch but then something catches my eye. There! On the TV stand! Dust! Back to the kitchen sink I go to get the wipes in order to clean the TV stand. Except I don't only clean the TV stand. I clean the entire living room and the furniture in my bedroom, too. I pick up a few items of dirty clothes off my bed and take them to the closet. Once in the closet, the vacuum stands there calling my name. I am kind of ashamed to admit that I LOVE TO VACUUM. I'm not sure what it is about vacuuming that I enjoy so much but I genuinely like it. You guessed it. I pull the vacuum out of the closet and plug that baby into the outlet. I run the vacuum over the entire apartment. *sigh* Much better. Now, as I sit here typing away I hear the bathroom calling me. I am needed and here I go! I'm on my way toilet! A good scrubbing you need? A damn good scrubbing you shall receive!

-S.E.

1st Day Of Summer Vacation

Just as the title says, today is the first day of summer vacation for the kids. Yikes! 24 hours of them? What's a mother to do? First of all, it was nice to sleep in. No waking up at 6:40 in the morning. There is also no homework today and no driving around. There is plenty of sibling bickering, lots of twiddeling thumbs and tons of looking at the clock to see much longer I have till it's their bed time. Sounds bad, I know. I have a feeling that the pool just outside our building is going to be my best friend this summer. Pray for me!

- S.E.

Angel Alexander

My first born, my baby boy, my apple of my eye has been promoted to the 7th grade. No more elementary school. I'm sure I'm not the first or last mom to be a little freaked out by that fact. I mean, Junior High is a completely different world. The atmosphere is so "grown up". It's that pivitol time in a kids life where they begin to find themselves and I don't think I'm ready for that to happen yet.

Angel has brought me so much pride and happiness. He blows me away with his intellect. I wish I had a brain like that! I have no doubt that he will continue to do fabulously in school and go on to graduate college. Yes, college. Yikes! When that time comes, I will be a mess. Mark my words. We don't have to deal with that quite yet so I'll stop there.

When Angel was born I was a kid myself. I didn't know how this tiny human being was going to survive in my care. How would I pull this off? I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle it but I did. I guess my survival/motherly instincts kicked in. Thank God! I made it through the 3 a.m. feedings, the sore boobs, the poop smears and the exhaustion. I have milestones filed away in my brain. Potty training, loosing his first tooth, his first harcut and that sweet baby voice that I will never hear again. If only I could remind time.

Angel, you are the one and only boy I need in my life. I love you. Always. Forever.

- S.E.

Alexis Rose

Aaah, Alexis. My little girl. My princess. Sometimes I look at her and I see myself. Other times I think, "where did she come from?" Alexis is a split personality. At times she is meek and shy, quiet around those she doesn't know and so well put together. Other times she is whiney, loud and a good 'ol fashioned brat. She was born a 15 year old teenager and I'm just hoping it doesn't get too much more attitude having than it is now. Wait! Don't get me wrong! I'm in no way putting her down or saying she isn't a good daughter. All I'm saying is that she can tone down the drama queen status for the sake of her mother.

She received an award today. Student of the month! Every award is such as special as the last and she seems to be so full of pride each and every time she gets one. Now, when it comes to school, Alexis doesn't joke around. She is focused. And I mean FOCUSED. She does not need to be told to do her homework. She starts on it as soon as she gets in the car. Literally. If she doesn't understand something, she asks about it. She is definitely a "why" person. Why this and why that? She's so curious about the world around her and she's on a mission to fill that brain up with as much info as possible.

I love her, I love her, I love her! She's a beautiful, smart and sassy little lady that has me wrapped around her pinky.

- S.E.

Opposites Attract

We have all heard the expression "opposites attract" and I am positive that I have the perfect example. Here's the rundown and when I'm done, you can tell me that I'm right.

Me: I'm a city girl to the bone. I grew up in a city that has the current population of 360,000 plus inhabitants. The noise, traffic, excess of people and absense of stars are all second nature to me. I have a family so big that I could give some members away and it wouldn't put a dent in the total count [ no one inparticular, of course ]. A kiss-your-grandparents-aunts-and-uncles-before-you-do-anything-else kind of family. I have never had a long standing, full-time job. Never really needed one, I guess. I'm currently a student. I study law and sociology in the hopes that a Criminal Justice degree will get me my desired job. I feel as though I am a hermit crab at times. Rarely, if ever, venturing outside of my familiar surroundings. My "O.C. Bubble" as I like to call it. I was born, raised and still live in my bubble. And although I dream about traveling the world, I am doubtful that it will ever happen for me. I'm a people pleaser. I have a tough time with the word "no" and if it's possible, I'll do whatever I'm asked to do without giving it a second thought. I like to spend, shop and spend some more. If I have a dollar in my pocket tonight, it won't be there tomorrow! I'm guilty of the spending itch. I'm 100% Mexican. Mind you, I was born in Southern California, so I'm not a circus-sounding-music-spilling-out-of-my-car-windows, leather-wearing-"chanclas", papaya-plant-in-my-front-yard kind of Mexican. I'm a Valley-speaking, popping-my-gum-as-I-twirl-my-hair, got-a-B-in-Spanish-class Mexican but nonetheless, a Mexican. =]

Joy: She grew up in a tiny, almost non-existant town. The current population of her hometown is a little over 1,600 people. Really? It's a joke if you ask me! The surrounding areas of her house are filled with trees and fields of grass not rows upon rows of houses. Now, her family size is something I can't fathom. If I were to give away one of her family members, they would send out the search party. She can't afford to loose any family! She is an accomplished, educated, always had a job, money making machine. While I'm still working on my AA, she has had her Masters Degree for years now. Jealous? Of course I am. Joy has experienced the sights and sounds of the world. She went to school in Scotland, took a volunteer trip to Africa and once took the back roads on a motorcycle trip to Niagra Falls. She didn't stay in her "bubble" as I have. She moved across the country and has never looked back. Joy isn't a pushover. She stands her ground and if she doesn't want to do something, simply says "no". I wish I could! She has the wonderful talent of saving her money. Another aspect of her personality that stirs up envy. Lastly, she's a White girl. A country-music-listening, apple-sauce-with-pork-chops full blown White girl. =]

So, there you have it. What did I tell you? Opposites attract? I'm going to have to agree.

- S.E.